


Amateur Debating for Fun and Profit

by foolishghoul



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Accidental Turn On, Everyone Is Alive, Frottage, Horn Stimulation, M/M, Post-Sburb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-22
Updated: 2011-11-22
Packaged: 2017-10-26 10:39:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/282091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foolishghoul/pseuds/foolishghoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In Which Jake and Eridan Argue About a Legendary Piece of Shit, Hands on Discoveries Are Made In the Field of Xenobiology,  and Everyone Walks Away A Little Wiser (Or Not).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Amateur Debating for Fun and Profit

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a kink meme prompt (surprise), asking for any two characters and some hornplay. I went with Eridan and Jake because I think they would be absolutely awful and hilarious together.

It all started with a fight. Of course, when Jake passed the time with Eridan things normally started with a fight and ended with one of their exasperated cohorts yelling at them to stop squabbling about whether or not tridents counted as forks, or if sponges could think. But this time their altercation had a little more substance than usual.

“You lost your birthright to it when you sent it to Jade and that’s the last word on the subject, dag nab it.”

“What are you talkin about ‘lost my hatchright.’ It was a fuckin legendary alternian weapon. It’s always been my right. Don’t pretend like you didn’t give it away, too. That’s just motherfuckin disingenuous.”

They were in each other’s faces in Jake’s living room. Neither was planning on backing down any time soon. This was a fight about honor. About heritage.

Or at least you’d think so, considering the way they were carrying on.

“Yes, but I gave it away because I was forced to, for the greater good, and the continuation of the timeline, and whatnot. Noble reasons.”

To be perfectly honest, they were fighting over Ahab’s Crosshairs, the renowned rifle that neither of them actually needed any more or, strictly speaking, wanted. The true appeal of the firearm lay in the fact that each of the boys thought the other one desired it. It wasn’t so much that they wanted to have it…they just weren’t willing to let the other one win.

Normally this would be when Jade or Karkat or even John would show up and tell them to knock it off already, but Jake and Eridan had been arguing about this for so long that a consensus had been reached to just let them settle it on their own. Even Kanaya had refused to get dragged into it.

So there they were, locked into a stalemate. Neither willing to surrender. If only there was a way for them to settle this without either of them backing down…

That was when Jake hatched his plan.

“I have a proposition for you.”

Eridan narrowed his eyes at Jake. “What is it?”

“We wrestle for the rifle. Winner gets to keep it, forever a sign of triumph and glory. And mayhap even put it in a place of dignity above their mantle.”

Jake thought it was a dandy solution, but Eridan groaned. “My gills just about exploded from fuckin surprise. What’s with you and wrestlin anyway?”

Now Eridan was deliberately pressing Jake’s buttons. How dare he question the good and noble sport of wrestling. It was a time-honored tradition! All right, two could play at this game, and how.

“It sounds like you might be a tad colder in the fins than normal, if you catch my meaning.”

“Most of the time I have absolutely no fuckin idea what you’re sayin, seriously, but I’m pretty sure that was an insult.”

“No, no. It was my mistake.” Jake turned to leave the room, not looking back. “I should have never expected you to rise to my challenge. I’ll just be on my way to go my chambers where I can spend some time with a certain Miss Croft.”

At first Jake was a little worried that Eridan wouldn’t fall for his bait. He had almost made it up the stairs when he heard, “Are you implyin I’m scared?”

Hook. Line. Sinker. Heh heh.

“You can bet your buttons I’d never imply a thing like that. But I would certainly come right out and say it. You’re scared.”

Jake walked back down the stairs, trying his darnedest not to burst out with a hearty guffaw at his pal’s face. Eridan looked like he was being forced to take a tour through Equius’s musclebeast gallery and had to exclaim the merits of each flexing monstrosity on pain of death.

“Scared. Of you?”

“I can tell you that for free, bucko.”

That was apparently as much goading as Eridan could take in one sitting. He sighed, took off his ridiculous cape he insisted on wearing everywhere, and tossed it on Jake’s couch, all while shaking his head dramatically.

“…Since you’re my friend and all I was hopin to spare you some embarrassment, but that’s all over now. You’re leavin me no choice but to teach you who’s boss. Just remember you brought this on yourself. I’m not goin to be held responsible for the bloodbath that oof-”

His monologue was cut short by Jake barreling into him. After all, there was no time like the present! Jake managed to get his shoulder against Eridan’s chest and his arm around him, trying to trip him up. Unfortunately, Eridan managed to wriggle his arm around to Jake’s neck, and proceeded to dig his claws in. Then he followed it up with a hard kick to Jake’s shins. Jake had no choice but to drop Eridan like the old proverbial hot potato.

Right. He had forgotten that Eridan had a natural aversion towards fighting fair.

Well, two could play at that game. As Jake managed to slip behind Eridan he noticed his big opportunity. If he could just get his hands on Eridan’s horns, he could maneuver them to get Eridan off balance, trip him, and hopefully pin him for good.

It might not be fair, but it would certainly be just desserts for being an unsporting scoundrel.

Before Eridan had time to turn around Jake had lunged forward, seizing his chance. The second Jake’s fingers wrapped around the horns, Eridan let out a noise that sounded something like, “Gahhrnk,” and dropped to his knees.

“Aha,” thought Jake, “A weak spot! I’ve got you on the ropes now, Ampora.”

It wasn’t until Eridan let out a noise that sounded like it might be a whimper that Jake considered the possibility that his plan might have backfired on him. After all, he just wanted to beat Eridan…he didn’t want to actually hurt him. Scrapping with a chum was one thing, but Jake was no bully.

He let go of the horns and took a step back. Eridan fell forward, narrowly catching himself before his face hit the floor. He looked like he was panting, and Jake was just a tad bit worried. He had never seen Eridan like this before.

“Eridan? Are you-” Before Jake could finish Eridan had turned and rushed at him, pushing him back into the wall. At first Jake thought the whole thing had been some cockamamie scheme meant to catch Jake off guard. Then everything stopped making a heck of a lot of sense because instead of getting Jake into a headlock or giving him a strong right hook to the jaw, Eridan seemed intent on kissing Jake into surrender.

Indeed. This was. Certainly a thing that was happening. Jake tried very hard to focus on other things besides the parts of his body that were focused a little too hard on what was happening. He certainly succeeded, as he in no way whatsoever noticed the small scrapes of Eridan’s fangs against his lips, or the way Eridan was pressed up flush against Jake’s body. And the words “bone bulge” sure as Christ on a cruise liner didn’t flit through his mind, although he may have cursed the fact that he even knew what that was.

After a few seconds Eridan must have noticed how hard Jake was stubbornly not focusing on things because he pushed away from Jake and scowled. Or rather, scowled in a more gruff and scowly way that was typical for Eridan.

“What the fuck are you doin?”

This struck Jake as a rather peculiar line of questioning, and the only response he could muster was a rather weak, “What?”

“You can’t start something that you’re not gonna finish.”

The dials of the cryptex were finally clicking into place in Jake’s mind. The horns. The kiss. There weren’t a lot of dials there, but Jake wasn’t exactly at his sharpest right then.

“Hold the friggen phone here, Eridan. I think you might have gotten the wrong idea somewhere along the line…”

Jake suspected that “somewhere” had been when Eridan had kissed Jake and Jake had been so busy focusing on not enjoying it in any way that he hadn’t actually focused any of his herculean efforts on getting Eridan to stop.

Drat. He was so boned. Unless…he could talk his way out of it. It was his last hope. “What did I do to you, exactly?”

Eridan seemed to take the question in stride. “It’s not exactly like the Imperial Drone decided to come knockin when it was the most convenient for you. If he showed up you better be fuckin ready to go and fill up some pails, or get culled. Basically it’s our biological ‘oh shit’ button.”

Then he leaned his head forward, leveling his horns with Jake’s face. “Wanna touch em again?”

There was a lingering amount of curiosity in Jake, if only for the sake of exploratory science. It would be like defiling a hidden tomb…except the tomb…was his friend…and…

Okay, that analogy had gotten away from Jake in a spectacularly dramatic fashion and he wasn’t exactly sure where it was headed off to, so he decided to cut it off there.

“I…don’t think that would necessarily be the best course of action…at this juncture.”

There. Now Jake had this situation under his complete control. There was no way for it to get away from him now. Conflict resolved!

“Why not? You scared?”

…Damnations. Jake had walked right into that one. Considering his own strategy was being used against him, it was particularly embarrassing. And, judging by the look on Eridan’s face, he knew he had Jake cornered.

As he could see it, Jake had two ways out of this whole spectacular jumble. He could admit defeat, Eridan would leave, Jake would be shamefaced forever, and he would have to find someone else to argue with about whether bees actually had knees.

Or…

Psh, yeah right. Like there was even any kind of doubt as to what Jake would do. Challenge accepted! He hoped Eridan was prepared to have his world rocked in a most awe-inspiring fashion. Jake didn’t respond to Eridan’s preposterous query, and instead took swift action. His hands shot up, and wrapped around Eridan’s horns again.

“Fffuuuck yeah,” was all Eridan said, even as Jake maneuvered around him, switching their positions.

Now Jake was the one pressed up against Eridan, keeping him up against the wall as his knees buckled from Jake’s thumbs around the base of Eridan’s horns. Since he had apparently decided to throw denial to the wind and go through with this Jake could at least admit to himself that it was a little addicting. The noises he could get out of Eridan by squeezing the base of his horns, and slowly moving his hands up. No doubt about it. Jake had chosen wisely.

He decided he might as well be a little more…adventurous. In for a penny, in for a pound and all that hogwash.

He leaned down and experimentally licked one of Eridan’s ear…fin…gill…things. Jake had never known precisely what they were before but he could now at least categorize them under “sensitive,” as when Jake’s tongue touched it Eridan let out another groan against Jake’s neck.

Jake couldn’t even try to stop himself from thrusting against Eridan after that, and got another jolt of pleasure when Eridan grinded his hips back. This was highly useful information. It was important to know that humans and trolls had at least the “friction equals good” equation in common. Jake snapped his hips up again, and rubbed Eridan’s horns hard with his thumbs. Eridan choked out one, “fuck,” and then his claws were digging into Jake’s back and Jake was surprised to find that this time the sensation was not completely unwelcome.

In fact, the small prickles of pain seemed to have a direct line to Jake’s cock. Jake reflexively squeezed Eridan’s horns, and when Eridan responded by scratching his claws down Jake’s back, Jake gasped and thrust up hard against him.

There was no possible way Jake could last much longer. Every noise Eridan made, every gasp, every movement, every shudder through his body seemed designed specifically to drive Jake over the edge. It was maddening, but it was also the single hottest thing that Jake had ever experienced in his life, bar none. Of course, said bar was set fairly low at googling illicit pictures of Mystique and “LARA CROFT WITH SKULLS,” but it was that same utter lack of experience that made this rough and tumble with Eridan that much more thrilling. Jake could feel that familiar pressure building up, stronger and pulsing deeper through his body than he’d ever felt it before. He could feel Eridan’s bulge against his cock. Just those thin layers separating them.

Eridan, for his part, just kept repeating, “Fuck…fuck,” until he seemed to give up on coherency all together. The only noises he was making were grunts and gasps, which Jake took as an indicator that Eridan was almost finished. This was indubitably a good thing, as Jake was having a somewhat difficult time hanging in there. To move things along, Jake resolved to try something that was just crazy enough to work.

He used his grip on Eridan’s horns to pull his head back, then unleashed a veritable oral assault on his neck. Jake went all out, kissing, licking, biting that long stripe of skin, all the while thrusting, grinding, rubbing himself against Eridan.

There was not one part of him that wasn’t completely devoted to pushing Eridan to his breaking point. Luckily, Jake’s efforts were certainly not in vain. Eridan’s claws scraped down Jake’s back, he could feel them ripping through his jacket. But that was not important.

What was important was the way Eridan gasped out, “I’m…fuckin…”

His hips snapped once more against Jake’s, and then he was coming. He scrunched his eyes shut, his whole body jerked forward, and he let out a long, slow hiss before dropping his head back against the wall.

Jake couldn’t look away. He had been wrong before. _This_ was the hottest thing he had ever experienced. He was already so close himself and...seeing his friend come undone like that…being the one to make it happen…

Oh fuck.

Jake took his hands off of Eridan’s horns and grabbed his hips, trying to get as much of that superb friction as possible. So close, and Eridan has recovered enough to work with him again, moving his hips with Jake, never easing up.

Finally, with one last, slow, grind, and an embarrassingly breathy, “Gadzooks,” Jake was following Eridan over the edge. Jake’s forehead fell against Eridan’s, and without thinking Jake pressed his mouth against Eridan’s. Of course, at that point it was less of a coordinated kiss and more of a mish-mash of lips and teeth, but it worked for them.

Jake rode out the moment until it had passed, and pulled away from Eridan. He had to put his hands on the wall to keep on his feet. They were both panting. Jake began to realize the extent of his sweatiness. And, also, his stickiness. Eridan looked as though he was partaking in his own assessment. He looked down at his pants, scowled, then shot Jake a glare.

Jake took a glance at what had made Eridan so bothered, and failed to stifle his laughter. There was a large wet patch sinking into the fabric of Eridan’s pants and it looked…purple. Granted, as far as sticky, wet patches went, Jake’s situation was remarkable similar but…

At least his wasn’t purple. Eridan was not amused in the slightest.

“You owe me a new fuckin pair of pants.”

Now that he wasn’t engaged in any wayward activity, Jake would feel every scratch Eridan had made. Which reminded him…

He took off his jacket and…yes siree, those were definitely claw marks. He held it up to Eridan.

“You owe me a new shirt. I believe this makes us square.”

Eridan rolled his eyes, but said, “Yeah, fine, whatever. Now tell me how I’m supposed to fuckin walk to my hive like this.”

Oh, right. Fair point. “I could loan you a pair of my own trousers.”

Eridan couldn’t argue with the plan even though Jake knew he wanted to, if only out of habit. They each grabbed a pair of pants from Jake’s room, then went their respective ways for their respective cleanups. Jake was thankful he had designed his house with multiple bathrooms.

After a few minutes they met back up in Jake’s foyer. The pants were a tad ill-fitting on Eridan, but otherwise they sufficed. Eridan walked out the door, and Jake followed after him, when Eridan shot him a look and said, “Just what do you think you’re doin?”

Jake knew that the absolute wrong answer was, “escorting you to your hive.” Of course, he couldn’t possibly escort Eridan the whole way, as Jake hadn’t yet added, “breathing underwater,” to his skillset. But he could at least walk him to the beach, and the thought of Eridan walking the whole way alone made Jake feel considerably glum. After all, he did care about Eridan, even if they spent most of their time arguing and carping about each other.

“Just…going for an evening stroll. Taking in the ocean air. Good for the lungs. You know. That sort of thing.”

“Just don’t make a habit of it,” Eridan said, and left it at that. Jake considered the possibility that Eridan actually wanted Jake to walk him home. Of course he would never admit it, and were their situations reversed Jake would do the same, but it left a strange feeling in the pit of Jake’s stomach that was not entirely unpleasant.

They left the house and started on their journey. It was extremely uneventful, particularly because both of them were totally silent. Their conversations, which usually flowed easily, were now all tied up in what had happened. There were a few hopeful throat clearings, but those ultimately led nowhere, and the walk went by without a word passing between them.

Although it felt like forever, they reached the beach before long. Jake wished he could stall just a moment longer, to try to think of anything to say. But his mind seemed intent to mutiny, and the only thing Jake could come up with was, “Well…goodnight.”

That was not suave or debonair in the slightest. Jake turned and started walking; ready spend the entire trip home berating himself for all of the catchy lines that he couldn’t think of, when he heard Eridan calling him.

“Wait. Jake.”

He looked back. Eridan seemed to be having quite the mental kerfuffle. Finally, he said with some obvious reluctance, “You can keep Ahab’s Crosshairs.”

It took a moment for Jake to correctly process this statement. Once he understood what Eridan was saying, a smile uncurled on Jake’s face.

“No, no. You keep it. It’s all yours.”

A look passed between them, and it was as if, at exactly the same moment, they realized just how magnificently dense they were being. Because, no matter what happened, they were still them. Still arbitrarily disagreeable, still stubborn and contrary, and most importantly, still friends. Well, maybe not just friends, not anymore, but at least friends.

They both relaxed, and Eridan said, “We’ll get Equius to throw it out to sea. Maybe later some other brinesucker’ll find it and make it his new heirloom or some shit.”

It sounded like a capital plan to Jake. The quicker they got rid of the legendary piece of shit, the better. “Tomorrow, then?”

“Tomorrow.”

With that settled Jake gave Eridan a wave, and started on his way back home. As he walked, he realized that he was incredibly hopeful for the future. And he was fairly certain that he wasn't the only one.


End file.
